Lemonade
by RockLeeRocks
Summary: When a frazzled Eurasian is sent to Konoha by the Akatsuki to execute PLAN 6, she finds a Calorie Mate, an Sclass missingnin, and a raging love pentagon. Simply cracktastic, see my profile for details!
1. Hors D'oevres

Chapter One: Hors D'oevres

"Stupid girl, _pay attention!_"

Snapping out of her reverie, Elise dodged the blow not a moment too soon. She'd been hit around enough times by Kisame's gravity-defying sword to know the damage it caused. Rubbing her arm, she scowled up at him. How the hell did a human-shark hybrid become a member of the Akaksuki anyway? He'd been accepted the minute he showed up whereas Elise's steady stream of written applications had been rejected over and over for the past six years, and she was a perfectly normal Eurasian.

Sharkboy shouldered his misshapen sword with practiced nonchalance. "As I was saying," he went on, gills quivering with each syllable. "The boss has a job for you."

"What?"

From his stylish cloak, Sharkboy withdrew a packet of papers held together with a paperclip and tossed it at her feet. "It's all in there."

"But…" She gingerly picked up the packet, the words 'TOP SECRET: AKATSUKI PLAN #6' glaring up at her. "I'm not a member yet."

Sharkboy shrugged. "Itachi arranged it for you."

"Itachi?" Instantaneously, Elise dropped the packet as if it were poison or some other clichéd 'evil' substance. "No. Definitely not. I'll have nothing to do with it."

"He worked pretty hard to get you that mission, you know."

"I don't care. If Itachi's behind this, I'm not doing it."

Sharkboy sighed, only he had gills so it wasn't through his mouth. "Elise…this is PLAN #6 we're talking about."

"I don't care."

"Itachi told me you've always wanted in on PLAN #6."

"Not if he has anything to do with it."

Sharkboy paused to consider her. "Itachi really likes you, you know."

"Well Itachi can go fuck his femmy little brother for all I care."

"He doesn't want his femmy little brother. He wants you."

She rolled her eyes.

"You've gotta admit he's good looking."

"He's short."

"So are you."

"I don't like little men. I want something bigger, something I can really sink my teeth into."

Grinning hopefully, Sharkboy stepped forward.

Elise hardly spared him a glance. "No."

His face fell. "It's the gills, isn't it?"

"No. Well, yeah, that's part of it, but—Kisame? No. Just…no." Retrieving the packet, Elise flipped through its contents. "So, what's this mission?"

Sharkboy grinned; his dental hygiene never failed to amaze her. "I thought you weren't into PLAN #6."

"Are you kidding? I practically wrote it myself." She flipped past the dry matter to the protocol and frowned. "I see I'm taking an active role in this mission…"

"Yeah, Itachi didn't want to risk you getting injured in battle."

"So instead of showing off my pseudo-Akaksuki skills I get to be a housemaid. That bastard…"

"Hey, being a housemaid isn't such a bad thing," said Sharkboy, only he was so hideous that Elise lost herself for a moment staring at him with a stupefied look on her face.

"Huh?" she asked, hastily looking elsewhere.

"I said that being a housemaid isn't such a bad thing," Sharkboy repeated, "Did you see where you're stationed?"

Doubtfully, she traced a finger down the page to rest on the words 'Location: Akimitchi household.' "The Akimitchis, huh?"

Sharkboy grinned; the Eurasian averted her eyes. "The Akimitchis hold the secret to 'Lemonade'."

" 'Lemonade'?" Her eyes widened with sudden understanding. "Surely you don't mean the ancient secret so powerful that it's rumored to have the ability to destroy Konoha village AND Orochimaru at the EXACT SAME TIME?"

"Now that the plot has been explained, it is time to commence," said a deep, manly voice that belonged to a somewhat short, feminine Akatsuki member.

"Uchiha Itachi!" cried Sharkboy, so delighted by the presence of his coworker that his voice cracked on the 'i' in 'Uchiha' and he nearly pissed himself.

"Uchiha Itachi!" crie Elise, so disgusted by his arrival that the 'ha' in 'Uchiha' got caught in her throat, causing her to hack out the last syllable as if she was trying to speak Japanese with a German accent.

"Uchiha Itachi," said Uchiha Itachi in his normal monotonous tone. "I see Kisame has informed you of PLAN #6."

"I wrote PLAN #6 myself," Elise reminded him, but being Itachi it was impossible to tell if he actually heard her or not.

"Then the scene has been set. 'The die have been cast,' as it were. Elise, everything you need to know is in that packet. I advise you not to leave it laying around where others can see it."

"I know, I'm not stupid," she grumbled, stuffing it away in the rucksack she just so happened to have nearby.

"I never said you were," Itachi told her, "You're a very clever kunoichi, Elise, and that's why I love you." Only he said the whole thing in a deadpan so whatever dramatic effect might have been was lost.

"Itachi, go fuck your femmy little brother for all I care."

Itachi laughed, but due to his deadpan it sounded more like the giant red mecha from FMP that goes 'ho ho ho.' "Your sarcasm is what makes you so endearing. Why would I rape my little bro when I can have you?"

"I don't know, Itachi, why would you?"

"Ho ho ho," said Itachi. Elise was strongly reminded of FMP. "I'll answer that question after you return and we are wed."

"Itachi—"

"Elise." Gently, the Uchiha traced his fingers across the curve of her cheek. "Elise. Elise. Elise. My enticing little Eurasian."

"I'm Chinese."

"Even better. You know I like foreign women."

She took a deep breath. Stay calm. In and out. Meditation. Hyuuga complex. "I don't know how many times I've said this already, but I have no interest in marrying you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mission to do."

Picking up her rucksack, Elise turned to go off and ninja in the night, but there was a sudden sharp pain in her wrist. Glancing down, she saw her thin wrist in Itachi's hand, his sharp nails digging into the skin.

If his voice was deadpan before, it was a scary deadpan now. "You go on your mission, but you come back to me. If you abandon your mission, we will kill you. If you abandon the Akatsuki, we will kill you. And if you refuse to marry me again—" His eyes flickered to display the Mangekyou Sharingan. "I'll mind rape you."

On that cryptic note, he released her and returned to his normal monotony. "No, off before dusk settles."

Biting back the urge to ask who the hell said 'dusk' anymore, Elise picked up her rucksack and set off for The Hidden Village of the Leaves. Glancing back once, she saw Sharkboy waving merrily and Itachi holding up a piece of paper with the words 'mind rape' hastily scrawled on. Cursing, Elise walked on. Uchihas were so _mean_.


	2. The Magical Adventure

Chapter Two: The Magical Adventure

Elise had never been to Konohagure before, and, being the Hidden Village that it was, had no idea how to get there. "Well then," she said, pulling out the map Sharkboy had given her. "I'll just need a little guidance."

It was evident that Sharkboy had drawn the map himself. A square drawn in blue crayon labeled 'Secret Akatsuki hideout' and a circle drawn in green crayon labeled 'Konoha Village' lay on opposite sides of the paper, a black line titled 'Road' connecting the two.

"This should be easy," Elise said, "Though Sharkboy never was much of an artist." Thankfully, the hybrid had inherited his mother's human genetics when it came to appendages, otherwise he might have been born with fins for hands and the map would truly be unreadable.

Rolling up the map and stuffing it away, Elise set foot on the 'Road' and was off on her way to The Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Sharkboy had forgotten to include a scale on his map, and three days later Elise trudged on. She'd long since finished her ramen, even the tongetsu flavored pack, which she had been saving for emergencies. She was without soymilk, rice, and anime, and starving for human company. It was luck from the Death Gods that, on her fourth day, another human being was sighted on the 'Road' going the opposite direction.

"A person!" cried Elise. "Yay!" Then she remembered Sharkboy. "Wait…is he a hybrid?" Squinting, she dimly made out a human figure. "It's 100 human! Woo-hoo!"

As the human approached her and came more clearly into sight, Elise saw that the human was a tall, rather ominous looking man clad in black sunglasses and a gray, high-collared trench coat. He had a pseudo-afro and the coat collar and sunglasses obscured most of his face. It was impossible to tell if he was looking at her or not.

"Hi!" she said, so thrilled at the presence of a hybrid that was not an Uchiha that she forgot how unnerving it must be to be so enthusiastically greeted by a stranger on the 'Road'.

The man ignored her.

Elise was determined. She'd continuously sent the Akatsuki written applications for the past seven years and was not about to be ignored by a random passerby. "Hellloooooo!" she called.

The man started at the sight of her, turning off his iPOD and taking out the miniscule headphones. "Good afternoon." He had a very deep voice, deeper than Itachi's even, and there was something creepy about him.

"Um, would this be the 'Road' to Konohagure?"

"…Yes."

"Really? I don't have to take any turns or anything?"

"…No."

"Great! You're a leaf-nin, aren't you?"

"…Yes. I am Shino's Dad."

The title meant nothing to Elise, but she played anyway. "Oh! Of course! I've heard so much about you!"

Shino's Dad shifted on the spot. "…Is that so."

"Oh yes. You're the talk of the town."

"…And do the people say good or bad things about me?"

"All good, of course."

"…And what about the bugs?"

"What bugs?"

"Fool." Pressing the 'play' button on his iPOD, Shino's Dad continued on his way and that was that.

"Aww…" whined Elise, "I've been away from rice for so long that I'm starving for human life, even if it's Shino's Dad…"

She wasn't to be kept waiting for long, however, for several hours later she ran into another leaf-nin. She immediately knew that he was a Hyuuga from the dark hair and white eyes. "Are you a Hyuuga?" she asked.

The Hyuuga, who had been ready to pass her without so much as a hello, turned around. "Why do you ask?" He, too, had a deep voice, although this time it was more of a shock considering that he was only fifteen, and overall he was very sexy.

"Because you look like a Hyuuga."

"I am a Hyuuga. A Main House Hyuuga."

"Huh?"

"You see, two days before this afternoon my two cousins tragically passed away in an unfortunate accident, and, seeing as I'm the only remaining heir, I had the cursed seal removed and became a Main House member."

It was more than Elise needed to know. "Do you have any food?"

The question caught the Hyuuga off guard. "Huh?"

"I want food. I'm hungry. Do you have any?"

"Uh…" The Main House Hyuuga sifted through his little rucksack and pulled out a Calorie Mate. "Is this okay?"

Elise tore it out of his hands and devoured it in front of him, wrapper and all.

The Main House Hyuuga blinked. "That was really…not sexy."

She wiped her mouth on her sleeve. "My name's Elise. What's yours?"

"My name…is too sexy for your time." The Sexy Main House Hyuuga continued on his way, calling back over his shoulder, "And you owe me a Calorie Mate!"

Two days later, Elise was hungry and human-starved once more. She passed two leaf-nins in green bodysuits who assured her she was almost there, but the Curry of Life they'd given her felt like a long time ago. Now she was hungry, tired, crazy from lack of rice, engaged to Itachi, and owed the Sexy Main House Hyuuga a Calorie Mate. Things couldn't get any worse.

She didn't notice the man until she walked right into him, knocking the basket out of his hands. "I'm so sorry," she muttered as she scrambled to her feet. "I didn't mean to—"

She paused abruptly. He was a very good looking man, and he wasn't a man, but a hybrid. The top half of him was human, yet the bottom half was that of a goat. His nipples were pierced and connected with a fine chain and rams' horns grew out of his head. It was a pity that Sharkboy couldn't be this hot.

"Those pictured before you are the designated targets of a DEADLY ASSASSIN."

She blinked. "…whaa?"

"An assassin of youth, a new drug menace destroying our children in ALARMINGLY increasing numbers." The Goat Man retrieved his basket, drawing himself up to his full height. "MARIJUANA!"

Elise Stephenson was just…so lost. "Marijuana's bad," she said lamely, "I learned that in D.A.R.E."

Goat Man grinned and rattled his nipple chain as he reached into his little basket. "You like brownies?"

She began to drool on her foot. "Well…I am hungry." She took it gratefully. "Thank you."

"Eat the brownie," urged Goat Man, "Eat the brownie."

The brownie was—simply put—yummy. It was the greatest brownie known to man. It was chewy, it was nutty, "This brownie's really GOOD!" she cried. Her vision began to swirl, causing Goat Man to change into all the colors of the rainbow and morph into a little pile of goo and Elise spread her 747 wings and flew the rest of the way to Konoha.


	3. Bonding Time

Chapter Three: Bonding Time

"Ino-chan! Get back here, there's work to do!"

"But mom, I need to train—"

"You passed the chuunin exam over two months ago," called Ino's mother who we've never actually seen but assume is really there because Ino is one of those precious few rookie nine who has an intact, fully functional family instead of slavery, massacre, or neglect. "Your father took your shifts for you. You're a chuunin now; relax and spend your time doing something a little more girly."

"Girly, huh?" Ino sighed into her long swoop of bangs and looked down at the pile of flowers she was supposed to arrange. Stubbornly, she squeezed a daffodil into an arrangement of tulips. "I'll show you girly."

There were few things Ino disliked more than 'working' unpaid shifts at her family's flower shop. Not that she didn't like flowers—she just found the whole concept of flower arranging rather dull in comparison to honing her skills of Shintenshin no jutsu. She was fond of the flora branch of the natural kingdom, but the minute her shift was up Ino ripped off the apron and was outside before her mother could say otherwise.

She jogged down the street, pausing at the corner to put on her weights. She'd gotten the idea from Rock Lee, a hideously adorable chuunin if ever there was one. However, Ino refused to wear the orange legwarmers he'd offered her. They clashed with her purple getup.

So Ino went off to train, first beginning with a few laps around the village. She was halfway around when she saw Aburame Shino standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring blankly at a tree. That is, she assumed he was staring at the tree; it was impossible to tell with those stylish Aburame sunglasses.

As Ino was from team ten and Shino was from team eight, it wasn't like they were chums who saw each other every day or hung out at the local youth group. Ino and Shino had never exchanged words in their entire lives, despite the fact that their names rhymed, which, as we all know, OBVIOUSLY means SOMETHING.

Therefore, it came as a surprise to Ino when Shino addressed her. "Ino."

"Huh?"

"Ino," he repeated.

"Uh, yeah, that's me."

"I know."

They stood there awkwardly, Shino 'staring' at the tree and Ino standing there with her Lee-like weights.

Ino played with her ponytail awkwardly. "Uh, your name is, uh…"

"Aburame Shino."

"Right, I knew that."

"And your name is Ino."

"Yes, yes it is," said Ino. Inner Ino was screaming, 'We've already covered this!' and punching her fists in the air, kind of like Inner Sakura but not really because Ino is waaaaay cooler than Sakura could ever hope to be.

Shino continued to 'stare' at the tree. "Your last name is Yamanaka."

"Yeah, it is…how do you know all this…"

"I went to your flower shop the other day."

"Really? I didn't think you were into flowers."

Shino's face—or what we could see of it—remained impassive. "I had to speak to your brother."

"I don't have a brother."

"Deidara."

"Oh," said Ino, "We're not related, we just look a lot alike."

"In any case, I had to speak with him."

"But…" She shifted uncomfortably. Damn, these weights were heavy. "Deidara isn't in Konoha…he's a member of the Akatsuki…not like I should know or anything, being one of the insignificant rookie nine."

"That is true," Shino agreed, "Just like I, also being one of the insignificant rookie nine, shouldn't be visiting flower shops."

"Hey, you're an Aburame, right?"

"…Right."

"Like with the bugs?"

"That is correct."

"Do your bugs like flowers?"

Shino's eyebrow twitched; she must have really hit a nerve to make him show such a bold display of emotion. "…No."

"Oh."

Another awkward silence ensued. Ino was sure that there was another Konoha villager she could talk to that would be more random than Shino, but couldn't think of any. Even Neji was plausible, or at least he was until that accident with Hinata and Hanabi.

"Poor Hinata and Hanabi," Ino said out loud.

Apparently Shino had been drifting off into space. "…What?"

"I was just musing over Hinata and Hanabi. That was such a horrible accident."

"It wasn't an accident," Shino said quickly, "Neji killed them."

Ino pulled a face. "Neji wouldn't do that!"

"Oh yes…yes he would."

"An abandoned shack collapsed on them. There's no way Neji could've planned that."

"I assure you that he did."

"Besides, it's not like he actually HATES Hinata and Hanabi. He came to terms with it a few years ago—"

"Ino." Shino turned and placed a hand on her shoulder. It was difficult to say who was more uncomfortable by the awkward gesture. "Neji murdered Hinata."

"Okay then, if he supposedly 'murdered' Hinata, then why is Hanabi dead too? Huh?"

"He meant to kill Hinata, but Hanabi…her death actually was an accident."

As if nothing had happened, Shino retracted his hand and put it back in his pockets. Ino wondered if there were bugs in there.

"Well, Shino," she said, "It's been nice talking to you and all, but I'd better be going. I've got training to do."

Shino considered her through his stylish sunglasses and nodded. "You are dismissed."

Ino waved goodbye awkwardly and took off, feeling all the hairs stand up on the back of her neck. Bugs. Ew.

Ino proceeded to run around Konoha five times, and each time she passed Shino in the exact same spot to see him staring at the same tree. On her sixth round, Ino screeched to a halt next to him, huffing and out of breath.

"Shino…" she panted, "I must ask…"

His eyebrow twitched. She dare interrupt his busy day? "…Go on."

"What are you looking at?"

Calmly, Shino pointed at one of the higher branches. "There's a girl up there."

"What!"

Sure enough, a Eurasian girl in her late teens lay sprawled across a branch similar to how TenTen sprawled across the top of Temari's fan in the preliminary matches. It looked very uncomfortable, especially the way blood cascaded down her face from a single festering wound.

"OH MY GOD!" Ino screeched. "She was lying there the entire time and you didn't do ANYTHING!"

Shino's eyebrow twitched again. "You are beginning to annoy me."

"Is she even alive? She could've been up there for days! Oh my God oh my God oh my God—I'll go get Shizune—"

Shino held up a hand to silence her. "Don't bother; I already sent one of my bugs to the hospital. The staff will be alerted of her presence and condition and will come here for her."

"Oh." said Ino in a diminished tone. "Wow. That is so smart, yet…so gross."

The eyebrow twitched. Few people managed to irritate the Aburame as much as Kiba did, but so far Ino was doing a fine job. "I'm simply waiting for their arrival. Surely you didn't think I was the type of man who would let an injured woman suffer."

There was a brief, but pointed, pause.

"Of course not!" Ino assured him in a falsely confident voice. "It's just…" She looked worriedly up at the Eurasian. "Shouldn't we at least get her down from there?"

"Allow me." Shino spread his arms wide in his badass stance and called forth his little minions. A swarm of black bugs exploded from his coat into the air, zooming up the tree to collect the Eurasian and bring her back to earth. After setting her gently on the ground, the bugs darted back into Shino's trench coat as if sucked into a vacuum.

The Eurasian opened her unfocused eyes and mumbled something incomprehensible.

"What's that?" asked Ino, bending close to hear better. She frowned. "She said 'I'm a one-man marching brownie band'…is she sick?"

"No, she's not sick." Shino peered ominously down at the Eurasian and grinned, but it wasn't like anyone would ever know. "That's the most stoned kunoichi I've ever seen."


	4. Fanfiction and Anatomy Lessons

Chapter Four: Fanfiction and Anatomy Lessons

Kimberly Turpin was, to put things simply, obsessed. My, that was blunt! She wasn't EXACTLY obsessed, but she was rather, well, passionate when it came to her fictional character love interests. She enjoyed reading fanfiction that focused on pedophiliac student-teacher situations, young girls spending "quality time" with older men, and inappropriate relations with a minor in general, which, technically, is rape.

Kim's interests varied. For a time she read "Harry Potter" fanfiction, where she first discovered her zest for pedophilia after reading a particularly juicy Snape/Hermione ficlet. A short while later, Kim watched the ever famous 80s fantasy movie, "Labyrinth", and consequentially launched into a phase of Jareth/Sarah ficlets, which came in by a landslide considering that it was the only "logical" pairing that didn't include hybrids like Hoggle or beastiality like Ludo. (Although she had to admit that Jareth/Toby had its perks.) For a few weeks she turned to "Phantom of the Opera" (featuring the long-lived Phantom/Christine pairing) before discovering "Naruto" fanfiction, where she furthered her interest in student-teacher affairs and wasted hours on end of her precious life that she would NEVER get back.

EVER.

Unlike her previous fanfiction obsessions, Kim stuck to "Naruto" fanfiction like Elmer's Glue. There was a wide variety of stories, genres, and yaoi pairings, complete with titles like "House Burner" and "The Stars are Cloudy Tonight" and (her favorite) "You Can't Rape the Willing". Yes, "Naruto" fanfiction was Kimberly Turpin's not-so-secret pleasure that allowed her to fantasize about feminine Akatsuki members and live vicariously through worthless female heroines who almost always ended up in sexually precarious situations.

In the past, Kim had been able to curb her obsession to fanfiction and fanfiction alone. Then the addiction deepened to hot lemons. Then she turned to Alternate Universe fics. Then she turned to songfics. Then, at long last, after reading a particularly gripping AU tri-lemon songfic, Kim snapped. She put on her Konoha forehead protector, etched a deep line through the middle in perfect imitation of a CERTAIN monotonous Uchiha, grabbed the plastic shuriken she'd bought over e-bay, and went off into the night.

Wandering for five weeks through the abominable ninja terrain had only added to Kim's mounting obsession. Her hair grew knotted and wild, tangled with leaves and twigs; her eyes became bloodshot; and her once graceful form withered down to a frail structure, similar to Gollum from "Lord of the Rings". But Kim didn't care. Her only living motivation was to find Itachi and 'drink lemonade' with him.

Kim grinned; perhaps she'd write a songfic about it later.

Still, the problem remained that she had no idea where Itachi lived. It wasn't as though there were billboards freely advertising the Top Secret Akatsuki Hideout. It was a stroke of luck that Kim stumbled across the 'Road' which, after a short while, brought forth a Hyuuga.

How did Kim know this stranger was a Hyuuga? Because of fanfiction, of course! She'd read his appearance so many times and had seen him in so many lemons that she could picture him with her eyes closed while hanging upside down.

The Hyuuga calmly focused his gaze on some point in the distance, ready to pass Kim without so much as a hello, but the rabid fangirl would have none of that.

"Neji!" she shrieked, pulling him into a tight hug as if they were childhood friends meeting at a high school reunion.

"…" The Hyuuga a.k.a. Neji teetered uncertainly on the spot. "…Remove yourself."

Still squealing, Kim took a step back. She'd read enough fanfiction about Neji to know that he meant what he said.

Again, Neji focused his gaze on some point in the distance, ready to attempt to pass Kim again as if the whole incident had never occurred, but Kim wasn't about to let this go. After all, she was a rabid fangirl and this was the first character she'd run into thus far.

"Wow, Neji!" she cried. "You're really tall!"

Neji looked elsewhere, refusing to dignify that statement with a response.

"And—I know I expected this, but—you're really sexy!"

Coughing politely, Neji focused his gaze on some point in the distance, ready to pass Kim for sure this time, but the fangirl blocked his path.

"Do you like TenTen?" she asked.

"…What?"

"It's not my favorite pairing, but I read a really good Neji/TenTen fic once. I never knew you could be so sweet."

"…Are you referring to the TenTen from my team?"

"And I read a Neji/Shikamaru once. Man oh man, was that intense!"

"Shikamaru…is male…"

"But I must admit that Neji/Lee is pretty cute—"

"…If you mean Rock Lee from my three-man team…"

"I think Neji/ Sakura is my favorite pairing for you, though. For some reason you and Sakura just go so well together."

"…who?"

"Although I tend to be more into the 'forbidden fruit' type of romance…like Neji/Hinata."

Neji blinked. "…How dare you…" Neji focused his gaze on some point in the distance, ready and damn determined to leave this Caucasian behind him.

"Wait!" called Kim. "Neji-kun!"

"Get the fuck away from me!" shouted Neji as he broke into a run.

"Hey!" yelled Kim between huffs of breath. "Can you tell me where I can find a certain feminine Uchiha?"

Neji paused to consider her. "Follow the 'Road' and turn left at the sign."

"Thank you Neji-kun—!"

"I said get the fuck AWAY!"

Thus, the Hyuuga darted off in one direction and a satisfied Kim marched off in the opposite. She couldn't wait to see Itachi!

After some time lapse, she came across a wooden sign driven into the ground. "That's funny," she thought out loud, "It says 'Orochimaru's Lair'. I thought Itachi hated Orochimaru." She rubbed her temple thoughtfully. "Then again, there was that one Itachi/Orochimaru fic...a juicy lemon if ever I saw one."

So Kim turned left and marched onward in high hopes.

Indeed, she ended up at Orochimaru's Lair. Never mind what it looked like; if you're curious, just watch that one filler arc where Naruto, Sakura, and Jiraiya venture to Orochimaru's Lair, accompanied by lots and lots of Kage Bunshin. Boy, it was a winner! So anyways, after dodging all those dumb traps that stupid Naruto fell for, Kim stood before a huge-ass wooden door complete with mail slot.

"Oh my God!" she squealed. "Uchiha Itachi is just behind the door!"

She was about to knock when, UNEXPECTEDLY, she heard voices from INSIDE THE ROOM. O. M. G.

"I'm ready, Orochimaru-sama," came a somewhat deep and VERY sexy voice.

"Ah, excellent," said another male voice that wasn't half as sexy. "You're wearing the proper equipment?"

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama, although it's a bit tight…"

"You'll get used to it. Now, adopt the stance you had yesterday."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."

Kim frowned; it didn't quite sound like Itachi. Then again, it had been so long since he last appeared in the anime that she couldn't accurately remember what he sounded like in the first place.

"Don't look so tense," said Orochimaru, "Keep your shoulders back."

Kim's eyes widened; this was better than reading some middle schooler's half-assed attempt at lemon. Eagerly, she listened to the sounds of rustling cloth.

"Ah…Orochimaru-sama, that hurts!"

"Deal with it."

The Itachi-but-not-Itachi voice whined. "But I'm still sore from yesterday…"

"Do you want to destroy your brother? I will make you stronger than him, but only if you follow me. Follow me and you will get strong."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama. But…ah…my groin..."

There was the sound of skin against skin. Kim gasped; Orochimaru slapped Itachi!

"Foolish boy, I thought you'd have more stamina after last night."

"Last night was exhausting, Orochimaru-sama."

"No thanks to you. Just think of this as a little pick-me-up. Here, I know just the thing to rouse you…KABUTO!"

An Orochimaru, Itachi, and Kabuto threesome? Wow, what could get better than that? If only Sandaime and Konohamaru were there to put the icing on the cake…no pun intended!

Apparently, Kabuto had arrived. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"

"Kabuto, bring this boy to his senses."

"Heh heh heh," laughed Kabuto, "I never thought you'd ask. Come here boy! Show me some skin!"

"Eeeeee! No!"

"Don't be such a pansy-ass, Uchiha!"

"Get off me, Kabuto! Ow! Hey, give me back my shirt! What are you doing with those tongs? Don't touch me there! Eeeeeeee! Help me, Orochimaru-sama!"

Kim frowned; Itachi was always such a wimp when it came to threesomes.

Behind the door there was the pattering of feet.

Kabuto cackled manically. "Get back here, boy!"

"No! You can't have my body!"

"Heh heh heh!"

"Ow! Stop! Let go of me! OOF!"

There was a loud thud that shook the foundations of the ninja world.

"Heh heh heh, now I've got you!"

"Let go of me! Don't touch me there! Aaaah, it hurts! Orochimaru-sama, he's—"

"On your knees, boy!"

"Eeeeee!"

"Kabuto, would you shut him up?"

"You hear that, Uchiha? Orochimaru-sama wants you to quiet down!"

"No! Don't! What are you doing? Don't put that in my mouth! Oh my God, noooooo! Mmmrrph!"

"Heh heh heh, you're not so cocky now, are you boy?" Kabuto slapped the Uchiha where he lay. "He's all yours, Orochimaru-sama."

"Thank you, Kabuto. He has such a beautiful body, I'd hate to see it go to waste."

"That's it," said Kim, "Something sadistic is going on in there and I'm not about to miss the opportunity!" With that bold declaration, she threw open the door.

The scene before her was, disappointingly, not a ravishing display of bondage sex. Itachi's femmy little brother, Uchiha Sasuke, lay bare-chested on the stone floor, his hands tied behind his back with ninja wire and a thick gag stuffed in his mouth. Orochimaru stood in front of him, holding a small bowl of steaming something or other, and Kabuto sat on Sasuke's back, straddling the boy and holding a kunai to his throat.

"Um…" said Kim.

The evil trio blinked at her. Kabuto broke the awkward silence. "Sasuke-kun needs to take his medicine," he explained haltingly, "To keep his body in good condition for Orochimaru-sama, only Sasuke-kun doesn't like the taste…"

Sasuke spit out the gag. "It gives me cramps," he whined.

"Tough it out," snarled Orochimaru, shoving the medicine into the boy's mouth and forcing him to swallow.

"So…" Kim fidgeted nervously on the spot. "Itachi isn't here…"

The evil trio gave her a "Well, duh!" sort of look.

"…I guess I'll be leaving then…" she said, backing away so she didn't provide them an opening for attack. When she reached the corner of the hallway, she darted behind it, pulling out her plastic shuriken as she retreated. Kim didn't show a single opening until she'd left Orochimaru's Lair far behind. "Oh yeah," she said, "I am the best kunoichi EVAH!"


	5. Simultaneously Part 1

Chapter Five: Simultaneously Part 1(a.k.a. Hanging out in the Hospital)

As much as Ino enjoyed hanging out in the hospital watching an overdosed Eurasian lay on a stiff cot in a comatose state, she couldn't help but wish Tsunade would show up already. Upon receiving Shino's message via a bug, a very annoying Shizune had arrived to escort the unconscious Eurasian to the Konoha Hospital. The Eurasian had first been admitted into ICU, but, upon discovering that she was just stoned, was later transferred to an empty room. However, Iruka came in with an out-of-control nosebleed (he said he'd been fighting, but really he was just bleeding), so the Eurasian was bumped out of the room.

Being a small hospital with only one head doctor (a.k.a. Tsunade), the only vacant rooms were in the maternity ward and the pediatric wing. After a heated debated, it was decided that the Eurasian would reside in the pediatric wing, since a pregnancy test determined that she was not pregnant and therefore not in danger of spontaneously giving birth. Shino and Ino had been carted around the entire time, and once the Eurasian had been situated for good Ino turned to go off and resume her training.

"Wait!" cried annoying Shizune. "Could you two just wait here for a few minutes until Tsunade comes?"

"…" said Shino.

"I kind of have to train…" Ino began.

"Please?" simpered annoying Shizune, probably getting ready to cry. That stupid pig she always carries around made that stupid sound it always makes that sounds like a cross between an adult mimicking baby talk and a small child getting ready to vomit.

"Eh…"

"Great! It'll only be a few minutes." Annoying Shizune and her stupid pig left the room and a very awkward silence ensued.

Ino cleared her throat. "Well," she said, struggling to find some common basis for conversation. "Uh…how goes your training?"

"It goes well."

"What are you working on?"

"That is a matter that concerns nobody but me and my bugs," Shino replied in his 'scary' voice with a menacing glint of his sunglasses.

"Oh." Ino decided it was better not to know what he did with his little insect friends anyway. "Do you want to know what I'm practicing?"

"No."

"Not at all?"

"If I was remotely interested I would have said so."

"Tch…how rude."

"I'm not rude, Ino. I'm practical. In any case, you are the misbehaved one."

"What?" She crossed her arms indignantly. "I haven't done a single thing to you except make polite conversation. I don't even know you, but I ask about your training."

"It's rude to inquire about another's private life."

"Private life? Shino, you're fourteen!"

"Exactly."

"Gah! You make no sense!" Sitting down on the edge of the Eurasian's bed, Ino looked at the walls that were decorated with chibi prints of genin going to a birthday party. Upon closer inspection, one of the chibi prints was wearing a high-collared coat and glasses. "Hey, Shino, it's you!"

"…I beg your pardon?"

"I mean, I found one of your relatives!"

"…"

"The wallpaper!" she sighed in exasperation. "With the trench coat and the glasses! Come on, laugh!"

"That is not me on the wallpaper."

"It looks like you."

"I'm not blonde."

"So?"

"And I don't have glasses."

"Yeah you do."

"These are not glasses, Ino. These are sunglasses. They are in no way prescribed for the vision impairied."

"God Shino, don't you have a sense of humor?"

"No. I lost it when my mother died on my fifth birthday."

The very idea that Shino had a mother was shocking in itself. Ino had always assumed the Aburame clan was asexual, considering their close bonds with the insect kingdom. "Oh Shino, I'm so sorry!"

"I made that up. Ha. Ha. Ha."

She blinked. "That's not funny."

"My mother isn't dead. That was a joke."

"Well it wasn't a very good one."

Shino shrugged. "My dad thought it was funny."

"Well your dad has issues."

"I suppose he does, considering that my mother left us several years ago for another Aburame. Her bugs and my dad's bugs didn't mix very well; it's a wonder that I was born at all."

Ino was just…so lost. "What?"

"My dad's bugs lack the ability to form airtight cocoons. Most of their prospective children died or were born fatally premature."

"Wait…you were born…from a cocoon?"

"Yes."

"Wow." It took a little while for that one to process.

"Actually, I made that up too. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"Shino, that's not funny either!"

"I thought it was clever."

"Well it's not. You sound like a bio-sci-fi geek. All this crap about being born from a cocoon…what are you, a freaking pupa?"

Shino sighed. "You have no sense of humor."

"No, you're the one who has no sense of humor! Saying that your mother's dead or had an affair isn't funny, it's sad."

"My mother really is dead, Ino."

"No she's not, you just told me! Ha ha ha!" Ino laughed.

"…Acutally, Ino, I made that up too. My mother really is dead. She died on a mission."

"Oh."

Another awkward silence, broken by Shino's 'laughter'. "Ha. Ha. Ha."

"Damnit Shino, did you make that up!"

"Yes, yes I did. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"Well it's not funny! I hate your stupid jokes! You have no sense of humor, so just shut up!"

"I do too have a sense of humor. Take this for example: How many kinds of sexes are there?"

"Uh…"

"There are three, Ino. The male sex, the female sex, and the insects. Ha. Ha. Ha."

Then followed the most awkward silence yet. "Wow, Shino…did you make that one up too?"

"No, I read it out of an Aburame Joke Book."

"You're really bad at telling jokes, Shino. You've got to do it like this: Knock knock!"

Shino remained where he'd been the entire time, standing by the doorway with a perfect deadpan.

"You've got to say 'who's there?'" Ino prompted.

"Why?"

"That's how you tell a knock knock joke. Knock knock!"

"…Who's there."

"Lesbi."

"…Ino, your so-called sense of humor is dismal."

"That's not the entire joke!" she screeched. "You've got to say 'Lesbi who?'"

"Why?"

"Have you EVER told a knock knock joke?"

"The Aburame clan doesn't condescend to such trivial genin matters."

"Yeah, and yet you have your own joke book. Just say it!"

Shino's eyebrow twitched. This person was very irritating. "Lesbi who."

"Lesbi friends! Get it? Get it? 'Lesbi' friends! Instead of 'Let's be'! Get it?"

"I comprehend, Ino."

"Isn't that funny?"

"That is not in the least bit amusing. Why you even consider replacing a common phrase with slang for a female homosexual in the first place is beyond me."

Ino grabbed fistfuls of her hair and yanked at it with an exasperated screech. "Kyaaa! It's a joke! It's funny! You know, ha ha?"

"I like my jokes better."

Inner Ino took over Outer Ino and both Inner and Outer Ino bounded across the room in the pediatric wing to grab Shino by the coat collar and shake him violently. "LAUGH, DAMNIT!"

The Aburame was deadpan as always. "Lower your voice, you'll disturb the Eurasian."

"The Eurasian is in a stoned comatose state! We WANT her to wake up!"

"Why? So you can tell her your homosexually derogative joke?"

"IT'S NOT HOMOSEXUALLY DEROGATIVE!" Ino screamed, shaking Shino's collar so hard she nearly gave him a whiplash.

Nearly. Remember, this is SHINO we're talking about. He's invincible. I'm sure his bugs came to save the day by attaching themselves to the back of his neck to provide extra spinal support or something weird like that.

"Ino. Remove yourself. Not only are you in a hospital, but a pediatric wing. Think of the example you're setting for the children."

"To hell with the children! That Eurasian is at least four years older than me!"

Quite suddenly, there was a rap of knuckles on the door followed by Tsunade's voice. "Knock knock!"


	6. Simultaneously Part 2

Chapter Six: Simultaneously Part 2 (a.k.a. The Smaller Ones are Sweeter)

Being the big, badass chuunin he was, Nara Shikamaru was famous among the Konoha 'tweens. It seemed to him that his popularity had grown overnight; Shikamaru the genin was regarded as a pessimistic lazy-ass who'd never mount to anything whereas Shikamaru the chuunin was a highly respected shinobi placed above Iruka and the ANBU when it came to the ninja social pyramid.

In fact, the entire timeline of village of Konoha could be divided into two eras: Before Shikamaru Became A Chuunin and After Shikamaru Became A Chuunin (or BSBAC and ASBAC for short). BSBAC Shikamaru was just another mediocre nobody, but the minute Shikamaru earned his mighty chuunin vest, everybody was all like, "OMG! SHIKAMARU! And he's a CHUUNIN!" and thus the ASBAC era began.

Shikamaru, however, preferred the BSBAC era better. In the BSBAC era he had little to do apart from the occasional D-rank mission and easy game of shoji with Asuma. The ASBAC era brought forth a great deal of work, such as Shikamaru's 'participation' in the Save!Sasuke arc, which lead to a very irritating fight with a very irritating Sound Girl, which lead to that irritating Sand Girl rescuing him, which lead to Neji and Chouji almost dying (not that anybody really cared about Chouji, but Neji…now that was a cause for concern), which lead to a mission failure, which lead to it all being his fault, which lead to an emotional breakdown in front of the FEMALE Hokage AND the irritating Sand Girl, and the last thing Shikamaru needed to happen in the ASBAC era was to cry in front of not one but TWO women and then get casually shoved into the mix of nauseating filler episodes. No, in Shikamaru's humble opinion all the ASBAC era meant was more missions, more stress, and more work, three taboos to the Nara family.

The rest of Konoha, however, seemed to love the ASBAC era. Especially the fangirls. The fangirls pretty much ignored him during the BSBAC era, which was fine with him, but the ASBAC era sort of shot an extra dose of estrogen into the fangirls, causing them to say things like "You're so manly! Are you sure you're only twelve?" and "Shikamaru, you're sooooooooooo smart!" and "I wish I could get trapped in HIS jutsu!"

Ick. Wherever the women were, Shikamaru didn't want to be, and thus was his opinion of the ASBAC era. Not that he had a choice or anything. Heh heh…

Anyway, Nara Shikamaru was meditating on all of this when, ALL OF A SUDDEN (and prepare to be surprised because whenever something happens all of a sudden you just know it's going to be good) a fellow ninja appeared at his bedroom window. It was Aoba!

"Aoba!" cried Shikamaru, only this is Shikamaru, so he probably didn't even move his lips when he said it. Maybe he should've gone into ventriloquism instead of chuuninism.

Aoba got into his 'I'm important!' pose. After all, without Aoba there would be no "Naruto". If Aoba hadn't senselessly barged into Kakashi's bedroom that fateful day to announce to the world that Itachi was back, Sasuke wouldn't have angsted and gone of to join Orochimaru and co. Needless to say, Aoba was proud to have such an honorable role in the story. However, for the purposes of this story, Aoba is not so important. Woe.

"Aoba," Shikamaru said, (he didn't say it again, we're just rewinding a little for the sake of listening to Shikamaru say his coworker's name) "What are you doing in my bedroom window?"

"The Hokage requests your presence!" Aoba said in his 'I'm important!' voice.

Shikamaru sighed. How troublesome. "Now?"

"Yes! Now!"

It was times like these that Shikamaru wished he could go back to the BSBAC era. "What for?"

"She requires your input on an important matter!" said Aoba, who, apparently, only speaks in exclamation marks.

"And she couldn't use you because…?"

"In the ASBAC era, you are needed for input on every little nitpicky matter that may arise in the village!" said Aoba, feeling important.

"Even the conclusion to Elise's love pentagon?"

"Alas! How could you know about such a plot device that isn't to resolve itself until much later!"

"I'm Shikamaru," said Shikamaru in his 'I'm Shikamaru' voice. He used that voice a lot. "I plan things 200 steps in advance."

"Aha!" replied Aoba. Boy, was he important today! "Right you are! And, because you are Shikamaru, you are needed! Immediately!"

So, immediately, Shikamaru departed with Aoba and journeyed to the Hokage's house, where Tsunade sat sprawled in a cushy office chair, stacks of paper everywhere and her EE breasts threatening to fall out of her shirt.

"…You called?" said Shikamaru.

"Yes, I have something very important to ask you." Tsunade shuffled some papers and pushed them aside with a sigh. "Are my breasts too big?"

"Eh……"

"I mean, I've been complimented on them many times, but I've been thinking…is an EE too big?"

"I can't say that I spend much time staring at your…eh…attributes, Hokage-sama…"

"Well look at them," Tsunade ordered, and she stood up so he could get a better view. "They're big. But are they too big?"

"Well…eh…" God, he'd been called in for THIS? "Do they cause you problems?"

"Now that you mention it, they do give me backaches and make fighting a bit difficult…they have incredible momentum, which probably wouldn't be so bad if I wore a bra."

Shikamaru winced. Too much information.

"On the other hand, it's not like I do much fighting anymore. I spend most of my time at the desk doing paperwork." She sighed. "What should I do, Shikamaru?"

"Eh…I suppose you should just consider whether the pros outweigh the cons and choose the more efficient route."

"You know what? You're right, you're absolutely right. I don't know what I would've done here in the BSBAC era." She leaned against her desk so that she sat directly in front of him. "So tell me: breast reduction or no?"

"Ah…"

"Well? Yes or no?"

"I really don't think it's my place to say…"

"But you're a teenage boy, you know what a babe looks like. Would I look better with bigger or smaller breasts?"

"Hokage-sama…"

"Which do you prefer in a girl? A big-breasted girl or something a little more petite?"

"Hokage-sama—"

"Big or small?"

"Hokage-sama, this is a highly inappropriate subject," Shikamaru managed, averting his eyes. "I've barely even hit puberty and I spend more time looking at the clouds then at female anatomy."

"Ah, I suppose you're right." Feeling a bit deflated, Tsunade sat back in her chair. "You haven't eaten yet, have you?"

"Nah, too troublesome to cook."

"Have a carrot," she said, offering a bowl of carrot that came in varying sizes. After brief inspection, Shikamaru chose a baby carrot and bit into it. "AHA!" cried Tsunade. "So you do prefer small breasts!"

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, Tsunade said this when he was in the process of swallowing a large chunk of carrot. His instinct was to shout "What!" but the blockage in his throat caused him to choke instead. However, he was still trying to swallow at the same time, so the chunk of carrot in this throat wavered in-between the two forces momentarily, causing him to make a sound similar to a cat trying to cough up a hairball. With an almighty, slightly wet hack, he spit the partially-digested carrot on the floor and was able to breathe again. Of course, this all took place in about half a second, so it was quite an amazing feat.

"What!" he demanded.

"My floor!" shouted Tsunade.

"Where did I say that I like small breasts!"

"The carrots in the bowl ranged in size from small to Costco premium and you chose one of the smallest sizes. You're attracted to small things, therefore you like small breasts."

"Wha…wha…what? With all due respect, that makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I like small carrots because they're sweeter."

"Oh, so the smaller ones are sweeter now are they?" Tsunade looked down at her behemoth breasts and sighed. "I guess these are mostly water weight when it comes to produce. But if they were smaller you'd like them better, right?"

"No no no!" cried Shikamaru. Really, this ASBAC era just wasn't working out for him. Already today he'd been ambushed by Aoba, dragged to the Hokage, and asked to give a personal opinion about her breasts. Whatever happened to the good old days of the BSBAC era? "You're twisting my words around!"

"Oh, so you don't like small breasts? You prefer the larger melons?"

"I never said that either!"

"So I should get a breast reduction."

"No! I never—"

"The smaller ones are sweeter, you said it yourself."

"Yeah, about CARROTS—"

"Carrots, breasts, same difference."

"Actually, the two look nothing alike. If anything, carrots should be associated with a certain appendage of the male anatomy."

There was a brief, but uncomfortable, pause. "Shikamaru," said Tsunade carefully, "I had no idea you preferred men."

Shikamaru was like, wtf?

"I'm terribly sorry about dragging you all the way out here when your sexual preference is completely different than the opinion I require. You may go."

"Wait! Hokage-sama, I'm not gay!"

"No need to hide it, as you said, carrots are crudely reminiscent of a man's anatomy."

"That's not the—"

"I'll go call Aoba, he should be good enough to answer my question. You may go home, Shikamaru."

"No, listen to me! I'm not—"

"Would you, like to take a carrot or two with you?"

"I don't want your fucking carrots!"

"But I have some fresh ones that are just your size," Tsunade said, tossing a bag of baby carrots at his feet. "The smaller ones are sweeter, right? Most people are the opposite, but whatever does it for you."

"Hokage-sama!"

"I apologize for dragging you out here like this."

"Hokage-sama, I'm not—"

The door opened and annoying Shizune and her stupid pig entered. "Tsunade-sama, the Eurasian has been recovered from the tree and is waiting for you in the pediatric wing."

"Ah, thank you Shizune. I'll be right there. Did you leave a nurse with her?"

"No, but Shino and Ino are keeping an eye on her until you show up."

"Very well, I'll—"

"Shino?" Shikamaru interrupted. "What's Shino doing with Ino?"

Tsunade cast him a wary eye. "Jealous?"

"NO, I'm not jealous, and NO, I'm not gay, and NO, not with Shino!"

"Actually, I was going to ask if Shino was stealing your girl, but…bug boy, huh?"

"Shino? What?"

"I get it, I get it, you're like this," Tsunade said, twisting two of her fingers together.

"Gah! I never said that!"

"Well, you did say that the smaller ones are sweeter—"

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT A FUCKING CARROT!"

"A carrot fucking, I understand. I have a patient to see, you are dismissed."

"NO! I'm a straight teen! I don't—I'm not—I was talking about carrots, damn it!"

But alas, Tsunade was already out the door. Shikamaru collapsed against the wall; this ASBAC era just wasn't doing it for him.


	7. Simultaneously Part 3

Chapter Seven: Simultaneously Part 3 (a.k.a. Sasuke's Ambitious Goal)

Orochimaru had to admit that he had it pretty good. He'd been around for roughly fifty years, had friends in his youth and enemies in his non-youth, was able to summon snakes (which, for the record, were SO much cooler than frogs or slugs or other creatures bathed in their own mucus), had a little medic slave (a.k.a. Kabuto), had an uber badass lair, and designed alternative clothing styles in his spare time. Yes, things were going pretty good.

There was, of course, that little thing about needing a new body, but the solution to that meticulous little problem had already fallen so easily into place. During the chuunin exam two years ago, Orochimaru had gone a-wandering through the Forest of Death in his woman form where he had laid eyes upon Uchiha Sasuke. The younger of the femmy Uchiha brothers, Sasuke was the perfect solution, so perfect that Orochimaru wanted his body right away! For scientific reasons, of course.

Orochimaru watched over Sasuke, relishing in the pre-pubescent boy's errors and triumphs until, at last, with some encouragement, Sasuke came to him of his own accord, angsty and ready to be Orochimaru-bodified. Unfortunately, the boy came a day too late, forcing Orochimaru to steal the body of some random minion. But never the less, Sasuke's body would be his the day the boy turned fifteen! Oh how sweet this would be.

However, for the purposes of this story the rookie nine are fourteen, so that glorious day lays approximately eleven months in the future. In the meantime, Orochimaru "trained" Sasuke everyday to keep his beautiful body in healthy condition.

Still, there was one thing about the Uchiha that puzzled him.

"Sasuke," he said to Sasuke on that fine afternoon that the Eurasian lay unconscious in the pediatric wing, but it wasn't like Orochimaru knew, being a cave dweller and all. "There is one thing about you that puzzles me."

"Oh?" said Sasuke in his 'I'm Sasuke and I'm cool' voice.

"Yes, it's about your motives. What do you want in life? What are your goals?"

Sasuke sighed. He'd been over this so many times already, why did people insist on his retelling of the Uchiha massacre that SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE? "I have two ambitions: the resurrection of my clan and definitely to kill a certain man."

"Itachi?" prompted Orochimaru.

Sasuke cast his master a scathing glare for being so tactless and un-Uchiha-like. "Yes, Itachi. Uchiha Itachi. He left me alive so I could kill him. That is why I live."

"Yes, yes, we all know about that. What was your other goal again?"

"Uh…the resurrection of my clan?"

"Yes, that's the one. You see, this goal disturbs me a bit."

Sasuke gave Orochimaru a blank stare; this man had a tongue long enough for tentacle rape and he found the Ultimate Uchiha Goal disturbing? "I don't understand."

"The first time anyone heard you mention these goals was when you were twelve," Orochimaru said in his 'explaining' voice. "That's what disturbs me."

"Actually, considering that my brother killed off the clan when I was eight it's really not that unusual."

"I'm not talking about your destiny to kill Itachi, I'm talking about your intentions to 'resurrect the clan'. You were twelve years old when you brought it up. What kind of twelve year old makes his goal to 'resurrect the clan'? You hadn't even hit puberty yet."

Sasuke blinked. "So?"

"Do you even know what 'resurrecting the clan' means?" Orochimaru asked.

"Resurrecting the clan means…to resurrect the clan."

"And how exactly were you planning on doing that?"

"I…I haven't really thought too much about that…" Sasuke admitted.

"Surely you'd given it some amount of thought if you included it in one of your major life goals. How many people were in the clan before Itachi commenced the Rape of Nanjing 2?"

"Uh…about three hundred people, I believe."

"If one woman bears three children, you'll need one hundred women to resurrect this clan of yours. Where do you plan on finding so many willing participants?"

"I…that's really not what I meant when I said I wanted to resurrect the clan…" stammered Sasuke.

"So you intend to father all these children yourself? Then to preserve the purity of the bloodline all the children would intermarry. Well, I suppose that if you let Itachi father half of them then the cousins could just marry, but of course Itachi would be dead by your hand already, which provides a problem unless you're willing to resort to necrophilia."

"Oh God no!"

"So you do intend to have three hundred children?"

"That's not what I meant by 'resurrecting the clan'!" cried Sasuke.

"Then what did you mean?" demanded Orochimaru. "If not sex, then what?"

"I…I was just going to sort of ask around Konoha village to see who wanted to be a part of the Uchiha clan."

"But then the Sharingan would be lost. Gone. Forever."

"And, being Sasuke, I can't have that," said Sasuke.

"Then you must carry on your bloodline."

"But I don't want to sleep with one hundred assorted kunoichi three times apiece!" whined Sasuke.

"Then say bye-bye to the Sharingan."

"But my bloodline!"

"Then start hitting the brothels."

"It's not fair!" cried Sasuke.

"Heh heh, you should've thought that through a little better before you went about this 'resurrecting the clan' bullshit," said Orochimaru in his 'accomplished' voice, "Admit it Sasuke, when you were twelve years old you were already planning your later sexual encounters."

"ALRIGHT!" shouted Sasuke. "I WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX! ARE YOU HAPPY?"

"Actually, I am mildly disturbed. But now that we've acknowledged the problem we can find a solution. You came to me for power, did you not?"

Sasuke nodded blankly.

"And your goals are to kill Itachi and the resurrection of your clan?"

Sasuke nodded blankly.

Orochimaru scratched the back of his neck in a very unattractive matter. "I understand you want me to train you in killing Itachi, but…you want me to school you in the _resurrection of your clan_?"

"Um…"

"Yes or no, Sasuke?"

"Er…I didn't really mean…"

"There's no point in hiding it, Sasuke. We've already established your major goals, so therefore you—"

"Okay, okay, I admit it," admitted Sasuke.

"You admit what?"

"That I sought you out for…for advice in the sexual realm."

Orochimaru grinned; nothing pleased him more than to hear a young boy confess his need for sex help. "Very well, Sasuke, very well. I will introduce you to the world of sex. Did you have any potential kunoichi in mind?"

"Um…I sort of drew up a list before I left Konoha," muttered Sasuke, digging a hand into the pocket of his ever fashionable white cargo shorts that fall just above the knee. Written on the list were the names Sakura, TenTen, Ino, Anko, Kurenai, Kin, and Moegi.

"Wow, Sasuke," Orochimaru said awkwardly, "Um…you were twelve when you wrote this?"

Sasuke sort of shuffled on the spot in response.

"…I see. Uh…interesting choices. Who's Kin?"

"That girl from the Sound Team in the chuunin exam. Her athletic abilities were high, making her a good candidate for childbirth."

"You do realize that with her form she would probably require a C-section. That's three medical bills for you to pay."

Sasuke cursed under his breath; damn woman, costing him money to resurrect the Holy Uchiha Clan.

"I suppose I can see where TenTen and Ino are coming from," Orochimaru went on, "And Sakura is an obvious target. But…Anko?"

"She has nice birthing hips."

"Eh, I really can't argue that, seeing as I fucked her myself several years back. And I must ask…who the hell is Moegi?"

"She's Konohamaru's friend."

"…You do realize that she is eight years old."

"Actually, she's ten as of this year."

"…"

"What?"

"…"

"Hey, I was considering my options!"

"…Sasuke?"

"Yes?"

"Take off your pants, we've a lot of work to do."


	8. Simultaneously Part 4

Chapter Eight: Simultaneously Part 4 (a.k.a. The Useless Unite!)

Meanwhile, back in Konohagure, a very peculiar phenomenon occurred. The Useless Unite! united!

Today's meeting was at the Haruno household, and Sakura, Tessa Testarossa, and Inoue Orihime were congregating in Sakura's room. Never mind the fact that they're all from different series; Sakura's supposedly smart so I'm sure she has her connections.

"Well," said Sakura into the lolita-filled silence, "It's our first meeting after Hinata…passed on."

"I can't believe Hinata died!" cried Orihime while squeezing one of Sakura's stuffed animals.

"Yeah, poor Hinata," whined Tessa.

"She was very inspirational," mused Sakura.

"She tried so hard," said Orihime, actually getting teary at the thought of her.

"Yeah," whined Tessa because there really wasn't much else to say about Hyuuga Hinata.

"Well…shall we get on with the meeting?" asked Sakura. "I'll take role. Inoue Orihime?"

"Here!"

"Tessa Testarossa?"

"Shouldn't _I_ be the one taking role?" whined Tessa in her 'I'm Tessa and I'm annoying!' voice. "I'm a captain."

"Well _I'm_ president of the club," said Sakura.

"No, Hinata was the president. You were just the vice president."

"Which makes me president since she died."

"But… I'm a _captain_!" whined Tessa.

"I'm _trying_ to take role over here!" shouted Sakura, although she really wasn't shouting, just speaking loudly.

"I've taken role hundreds of times!" whined Tessa.

"Then give me a turn!"

"Uh…" Orihime coughed politely. "Maybe I should take role…"

"No!" yelled Sakura and Tessa at the same time.

"Well…I suppose this is rather pointless seeing as all three of us are here," Sakura admitted, "Maybe we should just drop this whole 'taking role' thing."

"Fine," whined Tessa, "Well, how have your missions been going since Hinata…passed on?"

Orihime shuffled her feet. "Well…we're friends but he doesn't really think of me like that. He kind of likes this other girl but that's okay as long as I can support him…"

"God, you're so _boring_," whined Tessa.

"Then how's your mission gone?" demanded Sakura.

"Well I like him, obviously…but he sort of has a girlfriend," whined Tessa, "But I'll get him in the end. I'm his superior, I have to."

"Uh-huh."

"Then what about you, Sakura?" whined Tessa. "Mission accomplished?"

"Well…" Sakura thought really hard because…she did. "He _did_ sort of betrayed the village in hopes to gain power…and he _did_ knock me out when I tried to stop him…and he _is_ rather feminine….all in all, I'd have to say it's going well!"

"Good!" whined Tessa. "One day our men will see how NOT useless we are and come to their senses, even if mine is taken and yours is probably homosexual! Orihime, where're you going?"

Orihime left the room rolling her eyes. "You guys are _lame_."

A/N: YAY for Orihime! I haven't updated in forever, but when I started this one a month ago I really, really didn't like Orihime. However, during my little lay off I got caught up on the manga and really like her now.


	9. Simultaneously Part 5

**Title:** Simultaneously Part 5 (a.k.a. Itachi's Amazing Aspirations)

**Summary:** Itachi reflects on the meaning in his life. Kisame helps.

**A/N:** Sorry for abandoning whatever generous readers I have! (namely Itachisgirl) I do intend to finish Lemonade eventually, as cracky as it is.

Meanwhile, back at the secret Akatsuki hideout, Itachi and company were blissfully unaware of the Eurasian who lay unconscious in the Konohagure pediatric wing. They assumed that she was, more or less, fulfilling her mission in the Akimitchi household, not lying around unconscious in the Konohagure pediatric wing, and so the Akatsuki kicked back and relaxed for awhile since PLAN #6 had already commenced.

While Deidara and Sasori discussed ninja politics over pedicures that followed the strict Akatsuki dress code, the Venus Fly Trap Man engaged in a quiet game of solitaire (because nobody wanted to play with him, being the Venus Fly Trap Man and all, a hybrid beyond beastiality, and who wants to hang out with a guy who can be nicknamed "The Venus Fly Trap Man" anyway?), and the Akatsuki Leader was out doing whatever the hell it is that the Akatsuki Leader does in his 'spare time', Itachi stood wistfully on the top of a rise overlooking the sunset, a poetic wind teasing his freshly conditioned hair as a sentimental musical score picked up. Reaching up to sweep his hair out of his eyes, the last golden rays of the sun caught on his Akatsuki bling.

That was when Sharkboy showed up. He halted a short distance away to appreciate the beauty of the scene. If he were an artist, he would paint a picture of what lay before him, although it would probably end up looking like yet another rendition of John Smith arriving at the New World. Not that the ninjas knew anything about that! But still, Sharkboy figured that Itachi looked just as noble as, say Adolf Hitler.

"Kisame," said Itachi in his 'calling' voice, "Why are you regarding me with such an empathetic eye?"

"I'm simply admiring the 'scenery'," replied Sharkboy as the sentimental musical score shifted to the 'friendship' theme. Now seemed to be the perfect chance for some good old Akatsuki bonding time. "Itachi," Sharkboy began.

"No."

"Huh?"

"Whatever you were going to say, don't say it."

"But—"

"Not a word! I'm…pondering."

And indeed the musical score diminished just enough to let Itachi ponder, a lone clarinet rising to carry a mournful tune.

"What are you pondering?" Sharkboy asked.

"I'm pondering…the meaning in my life."

There was a trill of the flute to accentuate the clarinet's melody, and an obo began to harmonize softly. Really, it was quite a spectacle.

"I mean, what's my purpose? Why am I here?" Itachi paused, then added, "Kisame, I asked you a question."

"Oh! Um…to serve God?"

Itachi pondered on that for a minute, clarinet, obo, and flute weaving in and out of each other as a strings orchestra joined the mix to create a much softer undertone to what was a very tender moment. "No," he decided, "I'm not a religious man. I mean, I've hardly followed the Ten Commandments at all…_honor thy mother and father_…_thou shalt not kill_…_thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife_…" He shook his head with what could have been remorse, but we will never know. "Not to mention the time at Sunday School I used a kid for shuriken practice…I don't know, it just isn't my niche."

"Ah," said Sharkboy. So much insight! He felt that their bonding time was a success already. "Then there's always the theory that humans exist to breed."

"Hmm, you make an intelligent point, that was quite unexpected. But I have, like…no sex drive. None. Elise, perhaps, but even then I often find myself blandly disappointed."

"What about me?" Sharkboy suggested.

The musical score faltered as if the maestro had sudden cardiac arrest and the orchestra wasn't sure what to do, but very shakily the melody evened out to the 'tentative romance' theme.

"No."

The maestro had sudden cardiac arrest again and the poor orchestra just had NO IDEA what to do.

"But…if girls don't do it for you…"

A saxophone struck up a sexy little tune that couldn't have belonged to anything but the 'prospective homosexual relations' theme.

"Kisame, I said no."

"I was kidding, just kidding!" Sharkboy laughed, but it was obvious from the squealing violin solo that his amphibian heart was crushed. "Well Itachi, I don't know…the meaning in your life…I guess you'll just have to, like, search deep within yourself—" The squealing violin was joined by the rest of the strings to create a round, warm sound, and then the brass came with a bold, triumphant melody that could only mean the 'inspirational' theme had come into play. "—and figure out who you are and how you want to be remembered after you're gone. But as long as you're still struggling to figure out just who that person inside you is—" The triumphant 'inspirational' theme combined with the previous mentioned 'friendship' theme in a climax of the grand finale. "—I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the way, because that's what friends are for."

With a blast of sound, the musical score ended, leaving listeners in an awe comparable to how one feels after hearing the Star Wars opening.

It was a while before Itachi found his voice; Sharkboy wondered if he'd been choking up. "Kisame…"

"Yes?"

"…no."


	10. Simulataneously Part 6

**Title:** Simultaneously Part 6 (a.k.a. The Hyuuga's Celestial Biscuit Craving)

**Summary:** Neji really misses his Calorie Mate.

**A/N:** It's been a while, hmm? Sorry, I was finishing a subtitling project. : ) By the way, Calorie Mate (resembling a biscuit) is an on-the-go source of nutrition, kind of like the Japanese version of a power bar.

Meanwhile, as Shino and Ino hung out in the hospital, Tsunade badgered Shikamaru about his sexual preferences, Sasuke's 'training' began, the Useless Unite! united, and Itachi sought answers to personal philosophy, Hyuuga Neji was hungry.

Scratch that, he was _starving_.

Literally. That stupid Eurasian had taken his last Calorie Mate and now Neji had absolutely NOTHING to eat on his long and arduous journey. True, that had only been a few days ago, but with Neji's constant ninja business and fast metabolism, he had zero body fat to fall back on. Fasting was impossible, as was journeying without food. It was Calorie Mate or Death, and Death really didn't appeal to the senses at the moment.

Pausing to wipe sweat from his brow, Neji felt a huge groan escape his abdomen. "Confounded Eurasian," he muttered under his breath, and with a huff he continued on his way, wheezing and wavering like Frodo ascending the monstrosity of Mount Doom. This 'no food' thing really wasn't working out for him.

As if his severe Calorie Mate lackage wasn't enough to deal with, Neji also found himself antagonized by the journey itself: a journey to some mundane D-rank mission. Ever since Hinata had…passed on, Neji had been shunted around from D-rank to D-rank at a rate that even impressed the genins. It was, of course, humiliating, but Neji quickly found himself able to scrub faucets with professional intensity and fold laundry with fervor. That, and Hinata was dead.

It had been quite simple, really, leading a blindfolded Hinata into a rusty-crusty shack under the pretense that he had a surprise for her. And he hadn't been lying! The moment the shoddy roof caved in to flatten Hinata to kingdom come, surprised she had been indeed! Although it was a wonder she hadn't used her Byakugan. Neji would've used his Byakugan. There was just something about being blindfolded and lead around by your arch nemesis that Neji found very fishy, but apparently Hinata found it almost habitual. But heck, if the girl was going to make his job easier for him, what was the point in complaining?

So, Neji had watched from outside as the rusty-crusty shack collapsed on Hinata, the pinnacle of Hyuuga goodness and heir to the clan, and all had been good until Hanabi decided to pop up at last minute and dart inside. Contrary to popular belief, Neji quite liked Hanabi and was secretly rooting for her as the Hyuuga heir, but now Hanabi was flat as a flounder and there went _that_ plan.

"Stupid girl," muttered Neji, "Ruining my ambitions."

Then again, if the girl was dumb enough to run inside a collapsing shack, perhaps the future of the Hyuuga clan would be better off in someone else's hands. So Neji had the liberty of killing two birds with one stone—metaphorically, of course.

Unfortunately, however, all of Konoha was under the impression that Neji had murdered Hinata and Hanabi in cold blood when really he had only killed _one_ of them in cold blood whereas the other's death was merely an accident. He'd tried to explain this at his hearing, but the jury didn't believe him and the Hyuuga Main House was too distraught to put in a statement. However, because he was a highly skilled ninja, Neji was not sent to prison, although, given the nature of his current missions, he'd rather brave Ninja Alcatraz.

His current mission included cleaning gutters and weeding a garden.

This was hell.

And on top of it all, that freaking Eurasian had eaten his _last_ Calorie Mate.

It was then that the Goat Man appeared.

Neji frowned. 'Goat Man'? There was no 'Goat Man' in the ninja world, but indeed this man had a pair of coarse, furry legs ending in hooves and a set of curled horns protruding from his temples. Centaur? Nah, he was probably from the Hidden Village of the Wardrobe.

Neji watched in a state of discontented starvation as Goat Man drew nearer, carrying a little basket. His stomach growled and Goat Man grinned, sunlight glinting off of his nipple chain. "You like brownies?"

Normally, being a tight-arse Hyuuga and all, Neji didn't particularly care for sweets. The flavor was too sharp and the caloric intake distracted from his girlish figure. But the absence of the Calorie Mate had brought him to take drastic measures. "Well, I am kind of hungry…"

Goat Man handed him a brown square, cooked with little green leaves that Neji supposed were mint. He made to eat it at once, then, remembering his tight-arse Hyuuga etiquette, said, "Thank you."

It was BLISS! Devouring the whole thing in one bite, Neji sat in the middle of the trail watching his hunger fade away to the beat of the sun, which had split into three little suns that resembled fireworks patterned with Konoha forehead protector symbols… "This brownie's really GOOD!" he exclaimed.

Not that Goat Man was there to hear it; he had his own mission to carry out…


End file.
